Kendra’s Cock Review:

Congratulations! You have the ideal penis for being cucked. I have never before in my life met a penis that was so obviously meant for a chastity cage. Because the alternative is having that thing loose and I don’t think the world deserves that. I don’t think anyone deserves that. My first thought upon seeing your dick was “Oh, god I wish I had never opened my email.” My second thought was, “Oh, someone sent me a fucked up looking mushroom dildo as a joke review!” and my final horrified thought was “Oh my god there is an actual human person who has a penis that looks like that and now I have to look at it.” After that I had to close my laptop and take a nice walk while I thought about the life choices that had led me to this.

I can without a doubt say that your penis is the strangest set of genitalia that I have ever had the misfortune to set eyes on in almost a quarter of a century of existence. I am not sure that it is a functional set of genitalia as I am almost certain that nothing that truly strange could actually work as a penis. The way it bends and flexes is absolutely disconcerting and completely ruined my appetite for the next several days. It actually produced the same level of fascinated horror and sympathetic pain as looking at someone with a badly broken limb. It’s sort of how I imagine the penis of a corpse would look after rigor mortis has set all the way in, all pale and distended and floppy. If I had to come up with a few action words for your dick the words that would come to mind are: ‘revolting’, ‘moist’, ‘rubbery’, and ‘damp’.

I tried, I really did, to think about having sex with it. I tried to think about what it might feel like or taste like and really the only thing I could come up with is flubber. Trying to fuck you would be like trying to fuck flubber. Your note said that you were dating. Is your girlfriend just really into fucking rubber? Is that her kink? It would make sense if she’s into femme domme because, like I said, you would be ideal for cucking. I bet that your girlfriend has great taste in other better men! Because honestly, there is no way in hell I would do anything other than lock up that super weird dick of yours and maybe maybe let you watch while some other guy railed me. What is it like? Knowing that your soft cheese looking penis revolts the person you love so much that she has to go and receive pleasure from someone better? I’ll sign off by saying get better soon and get used to being caged. Your penis gets a 0/5 stars and if I could give you a negative I would because eesh.

Kendra

Bella’s Cock Review:

Hi babe, Initial impressions are like, yuck. I’ve legit seen healthier looking dicks on murder victims. And the wild thing is you don’t seem to be concerned about it? Like this is your normal and that is absolutely bonkers. You are fully comfortable enough with your cock to just deadass send me, a strange woman on the internet, a picture of your floppy noodle dick and then ask for my honest opinion! Here is where I would normally make a comment about your balls and how big they are, but I’ve seen your balls and they are burned into my retinas. Initially I was like ‘damn, this dude really just sent me pictures of some tumors he has growing next to his dick’ and then I realized what they were and needed to take a minute to swallow down some vomit. I’m gonna say it, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can twist your dick around 270 degrees like some sort of fucked up penis owl does not mean you should do that! It can’t be good for you! It really can’t be! I’ll be honest, player. No part of what you have going on looks happy, healthy, or kosher. I know just looking at it that touching it would be like grabbing a handful of cottage cheese and squishing. Or like grabbing a half rotted potato (complete with rotted potato smell).

In trying to write this review I had to think about what I would do if I came across your dick in person and honestly I think I might actually barf. Not in a rude way, you understand. I just have kinda a weak stomach and that shit would send me over the edge real quick.

Additionally your pubic hair situation is… well yikes. It’s just yikes. It’s patchy and looks like it might be living? Separately from you I mean? The word I’m looking for is parasitic. It looks like you have a previously undiscovered species of cock fungus spreading over your private bits and it’s not a great look! I’d encourage you to shave but I’m not sure you can shave rubber, can you?

I’d say ask your partner for help but honestly I feel bad bringing her into this. Whoever she is she doesn’t deserve to have to be any closer to your weird ass dick than strictly necessary. Speaking of, how does she deal with it? Does she like, put on gloves when you ask her to jerk you off (I would too, if I were her so no judgement)? I hope you bought her a really nice dildo because it’s just not fair to expect a regular person to want to get all up in your… situation. In closing, I’d just like to say “Jesus goddamn Christ” and also “what the Fuck”. -1 out of 5 stars because fuck me, that’s rough

bella

Mila’s Cock Review:

Hi sweetie! I’m just gonna come out and say it. Your cock has no redeeming features. None. I tried so hard to find even one tiny thing good about it and I just… couldn’t swing it. Your dick is a god forsaken horror show of mega proportions and I’m a little bit mad that I had to look at it long enough to form an opinion, let alone long enough to write an in-depth review. I was having a nice night until I looked at your cock and it legit ruined my whole ass day. No cap. Ruined.

I’ll start with the balls because I have to start somewhere and can I just say… yikes. They’re so tiny? Compared to the rest of everything else? I’d say shriveled but they look almost swollen. Like shitty chicken breasts that have been injected with too much saline solution. I won’t lie to you, they haunt and vex me. Your shaft is just straight up, no argument about it, grody. Everything from the veins, to the flop, to the bend in it makes me want to just swear off penis for the rest of my life. And is it supposed to be that… pale? You’re rockin a straight up ghost cock my guy and not in a fun way.

I need you to know that I thought about what it might be like to see a penis like yours in person for the first time and I came up empty. What can you even say to a person who just, whips a thing like yours out? I honestly don’t think I’d be able to contain my disgust. Here is a short list of all the things I’d rather touch with my bare hands than your mouldy cheese dick:

1. The inside of a sewer drain

2. 2 week old roadkill

3. The Elephant’s Foot in Chernobyl

4. Freshly dropped cow dung

5. Literally anything else on this planet, electrified fences included

I will say you are a perfect study in body horror. I don’t even have a dick and I looked at the position you were holding that in and I viscerally cringed. Your dick is what would result if you vaguely explained the concept of a penis to an alien and then let them go to town with some modeling clay and a pipe cleaner. You mentioned you’re dating, and I just want to say that blackmail is wrong. Whatever you have on this poor girl to get her to hang out with you knowing that you have an abomination in your britches must be pretty hefty. Failing blackmail, has she ever seen a penis that wasn’t yours? She knows that what you have going on is faaaaaar from normal, right? She knows she has alternatives? God I hope so….. In conclusion, your dick is funky and it looks like it smells like old cheese and rotting potatoes and you should have someone figure out your testicle situation. One out of five stars because as much as I hated looking at it, it can’t be as bad as living with it and I have pity.

mila

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